These Dang Shackles!

It's funny me seeing this picture. Not as "ha ha" kind of funny, but as a, "that's exactly how I'm feeling."

With me always being sick, being in a job I can no longer stomach, being in the midst of growing Islamophobia and not being able to do something for myself that would bring me happiness for once and not have to be stressed about it always...I feel I'm under the weight of shackles.  The only thing that brings me happiness is doing Qur'an Recitation series, hadith series, vlogging (when I'm not sick), and doll making (when I have orders to fulfill which is not often).  This is a temporary happiness for me.  Outside of those things, I feel cuffed to this thing of not feeling or being fulfilled in my life. I feel starved, smothered, and shackled. Even more so in the height of Islamophobia. Hatred seems to be running rampant when I didn't see nor feel it as much before.  I feel restricted.  Leaving early to do regular grocery shopping, because I fear people when I didn't have this fear of them before, astaghfirAllah. Can't do what I want to do or go where I want to go, be who I want to be.  I don't know how to break free. I have the desire to scream, but my voice is not loud enough. It's like that of a mouse that can be crushed underfoot.  I want to get up and run to the top of the highest mountain but can't.  I'm bound to my wheelchair, so rolling to the top is not an option.  My heart is constantly heavy and my soul...I don't know.  I can't breathe!  I can't move!  I go down in sujood in my prayers and I feel the flood gates will burst wide open with tears and sobs that I can not control.  My shackles get tighter and tighter every single day and they hurt. They hurt so much.

I'm being punished by those for crimes I never committed because of the small few.  I'm chained to a job that gives my no satisfaction in my life and am terrified to leave it, because as a Muslim who is black and is in a wheelchair, who would hire me?  The world already hates me for crimes that are NOT my own, trying to tell me that how I worship God in my daily life is wrong.  Go back to where I came from, but I was born here and so were my parents, and their parents before them.  As a matter of fact, I can tell you that some of my ancestors originated in this gosh darn country, but it was stolen right from under them by greedy people came from their OWN land.  My ancestors land ripped from them, raped, beaten, killed, driven out of their homes, oppressed.  Oh, and don't forget some of my other ancestors who did NOT originate from here but from Africa who were kidnapped and brought here to be bought and sold like freakin' cattle to be slaves to the original thieves, kicked around, rapped, hanged, shot, dragged, whipped, slapped, punched, beaten, dehumanized, demoralized, robbed of their identity, and the gosh darn list goes on for miles. The hundreds of years of brutality and oppression even to this day! Go back to where YOU came from, dag-nabbit!  But I don't tell them that. Oh how I want to, but I don't because what's the point?  This country with its diversity of people, cultures and religions, they pick on Islam and those that practice and live it like me.  Are they really that dumb?  Are they really that self-absorbed, self-righteous?  They don't even care to look at themselves, not even for a gosh darn moment, but they would condemn me??!?!  Judge me??!?!?  Oh how do they sleep at night? How do they not look in the mirror?  They were NEVER my enemy, but some how I am theirs.  I NEVER hated them, but they hate me.  I could hate them for all the crimes they committed against my ancestors and others even to this very day, but I don't.  There's not point to it.  I love with my heart, but they betray it with hateful glances, jeers, and words of despicable hate upon hate upon more freaking hate and they teach their children this hate.  "Love thy neighbor" has been tossed out crashing through the window, but these were words of 'Isa (Jesus), peace and blessings be upon him.  He never said it had to be a particular neighbor.  It's EVERYONE for crying out loud, or do they really have to be that closed-hearted, ignorant, and high & mighty??  I love them with my heart and they still betray and break it!  Hate offers me NOTHING but they...they still hate like they cannot BREATHE without doing so?  How?  It must be exhausting, subhanAllah.

Then there is my body that betrays me every chance it gets.  I celebrated the fact that I was able to work, live my life and not be sick for a couple of weeks.  It felt so darn good, and before I knew it, I'm sick again!?!?  Come on!! Seriously??  I took care of myself.  Took my vitamins, drank lots of water, tried to sleep well, eat well and kept my spirits up-beat.  I was on point with my prayers, making doubly sure not to miss a single prayer,  but that was short lived. One day turns into another and another and another.  Now I'm more stressed because my being sick has pulled me away from work when I'm trying to STAY at work.  I'm the kind of person who's hard on herself, but I'm even more so when I'm sick and get myself well enough to GO to work.  I hate letting people down even if it's beyond my control, I still feel I didn't do my best to be there when they need me.

It is true that I'm being tested.  It is true.  I'm tested by God, whom I have NO right to get mad at.  I spend my time asking Him to forgive me and have Mercy on me than anything, even in sickness, frustrations, pains, sufferings, and what-nots.  SubhanAllah.  Other things trouble me that I do not mention, but I feel no matter what, I can't seem to rise above it all.  Like I'm drowning in this sea of family drama, unnecessary bigotry, intolerance and hatred from those who have nothing better to do but condemn others and not themselves, a body that constantly betrays me time and time again, and desire to do and be what I want seeming so far out of my grasp.  Shaytaan, I feel gets a kick out of seeing me suffer like this.  I know it's a test, but I fear I disappoint Allah when I can't rise above these struggles.  When I feel I can't get my head above water.  When I feel I can't break these dang shackles that keep me down.  My words are more, "Allah forgive and help me." Ya Allah!  

I don't want to feel this way anymore, but it's a test I have to get through.  I have to be that much more dependent on Him.  That much more aware of Him.  Praising Him.  As much as I cannot stand being tested, I have to thank Him, because He must truly love me to put me through this.  I'm reminded that even though He will test me with with family, wealth, and whatever else, I have to persevere.  I have to push through it no matter how difficult the situations of my life are.  I just have to seek His help and guidance, because when I do this He helps me through it.  It may not be all at once.  It may be a little bit at a time, but He always helps me through it so long as I don't forget Him.  I'm too God-conscience to forget, which I'm thankful for.  I'll break through these shackles, the shackles of hate, crappy health, unhappiness and such, but I know it will take some time to do so.  

In sha'Allah.

Today's My Birthday

Today's my birthday.  

Today, I reached a new milestone of my life.  I turned 40.  So what's next? For many years of my life, I have struggled against the odds.  I had been sexually abused by those who were supposed to protect me and raped by those who just took from me.  I, for unknown reasons, lost the ability to walk when I had no prior issues leading up to it, but I still pressed on.   I have and continue to suffer through many migraines which worsens each and every year.  I lost my mother in 2002 and a year later one of my brothers.  I found my way to Islam after searching my whole life for it without knowing what it was I was looking for, except I knew I needed a way to worship God/Allah, the way He deserved to be worshiped.  In which case, I'm proud to set aside time for Him 5 times per day to give Him the glory and say "thank you" for the blessings he has given me, and to ask for His forgiveness for the wrongs I may have caused others and myself.  I have a husband, a son, and daughter. 

Today's my birthday.  Where do I go from here?  Despite the struggles have gone through in the past, and I have not named them all, I hope that, starting today onto tomorrow, I will continue on.  I will keep moving forward, because it has to get better from here.  Allah/God has blessed me with hardships and ease.  He has blessed me with tests, even though they are down right tough, to overcome.  My life has been a journey.  40 years of traveling down a hard and bumpy road.

Today's my birthday.  Now a new journey begins.  I begin it in the Name of God.

BismiAllah Ar-Rahmaan Ar-Raheem

In the Name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

The Noise is Deafening

I'm reading this book that focuses on the power of the heart and in this book, there are "contemplation" exercises. One of those exercises is where you have to sit in a quiet place so you can focus on your breathing while quieting the mind.  Once the mind is quiet, then can you listen to your heart. 

One question.  How do you quiet a mind that is deafening?  Even when trying to pray, the noise pierces through so much that it becomes wearisome.

They Don't Hear Me

They tell you to keep track of your symptoms and write everything down so that when you call them or go to an appointment, you can discuss those things, they can assess the problem, and finally, they can tell you what you should do.  Should I have some blood work done?  Do I need an updated MRI or some type of scan done to see what, if any, has changed?  I know my body more than the doctors know my body.  After all, they are not in my body 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I am.

I speak with the doctor with my list in front of me and I get railroaded.  "Oh, try this," he says.  But "this" doesn't work.  It's not effective.  "Try this with that and let's see what that does."  Really?  Okay...fine.  Meanwhile, I'm not even half way through my list of concerns, but I'm trying to get him to listen, but I'm not important enough of a patient to hear me.  I'm crying at this point.  I'm in constant debilitating pain and that's not enough for them to hear me.

Ya Allah, help ease my pain.  Bring me relief and a competent doctor who will hear me.  Ameen.

Leave Me Alone

It's Tuesday morning.  2:20am to be exact and I can't get back to sleep.  No matter how hard I try, going back to sleep is futile.  Fifteen minutes later a huge burst of pain erupts on the right side of my head and lasts for about 20 seconds.  This will be the first of many that will happen throughout the day.  This is how my day starts. The inner workings of my body working against me. Betraying me.  Robbing me of a day spent without pain and discomfort.  Robbing me of normalcy.  I can't give in to it.  I just can't.  If I do, it wins and I lose.  How can I stand up to this enemy that lurks in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to strike when I least expect it?  Always watching me.  Always studying me. Why won't it leave me alone?

Where Do I Go From Here?

When I think about where I am in life, I find myself roaming this world feeling extremely lost and disappointed.  Lost because I don't know where I'm going anymore.  I know where I've been, the hurdles I've had to leap over, and the pains I've had to endure.  I've had life changing things happen to me from losing people I love, my mom one year and my brother a year and one month later.  I lost the ability to walk a little over a year after having my son and now battling severe migraine headaches and neuralgia headaches at the same bloody time that invade my life like ruthless aliens from another planet.  I can't tell which way is up or down, left or right.  

Then I think about why I'm so disappointed in my life.  I've been at a job for over ten years that I get no satisfaction from, no gratification whatsoever.  No fulfillment.  I started a small online business making dolls that would, I believe, benefit little girls in my community with the hopes of doing this business full-time, because it would make me happy and finally take me away from that job.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know I should be grateful to have that job of ten plus years, but I literally cannot stand it.  All it does is make me feel trapped like a caged bird, unable to break through the bars of the cage to spread her wings.  I can't go anywhere, nor do anything.  I accomplish what others want me to accomplish to suite their business needs, but not what I want to suite my needs.  I wonder around this job feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.  Working for the "man" and not working for myself.  At the end of the day, I just need to know and feel like I have done something that has made me proud.  Proud of the work I've done.  Proud of what I have accomplished.  To lay my head down on my pillow at night with an exhausted, yet cheesy grin on my face because I had an awesome day.

So how on earth do I find my way after being lost?  How on earth do I go from being disappointed to being happy, proud, and accomplished?  I have no idea.  I pace back and forth in my mind trying to find the answers...trying to find a solution.  I spend time in prayer and contemplation with myself prostrating before God, but not the words to express my frustrations, my fears.  What do I do?  Where do I go from here?