Today's My Birthday

Today's my birthday.  

Today, I reached a new milestone of my life.  I turned 40.  So what's next? For many years of my life, I have struggled against the odds.  I had been sexually abused by those who were supposed to protect me and raped by those who just took from me.  I, for unknown reasons, lost the ability to walk when I had no prior issues leading up to it, but I still pressed on.   I have and continue to suffer through many migraines which worsens each and every year.  I lost my mother in 2002 and a year later one of my brothers.  I found my way to Islam after searching my whole life for it without knowing what it was I was looking for, except I knew I needed a way to worship God/Allah, the way He deserved to be worshiped.  In which case, I'm proud to set aside time for Him 5 times per day to give Him the glory and say "thank you" for the blessings he has given me, and to ask for His forgiveness for the wrongs I may have caused others and myself.  I have a husband, a son, and daughter. 

Today's my birthday.  Where do I go from here?  Despite the struggles have gone through in the past, and I have not named them all, I hope that, starting today onto tomorrow, I will continue on.  I will keep moving forward, because it has to get better from here.  Allah/God has blessed me with hardships and ease.  He has blessed me with tests, even though they are down right tough, to overcome.  My life has been a journey.  40 years of traveling down a hard and bumpy road.

Today's my birthday.  Now a new journey begins.  I begin it in the Name of God.

BismiAllah Ar-Rahmaan Ar-Raheem

In the Name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

The Noise is Deafening

I'm reading this book that focuses on the power of the heart and in this book, there are "contemplation" exercises. One of those exercises is where you have to sit in a quiet place so you can focus on your breathing while quieting the mind.  Once the mind is quiet, then can you listen to your heart. 

One question.  How do you quiet a mind that is deafening?  Even when trying to pray, the noise pierces through so much that it becomes wearisome.

They Don't Hear Me

They tell you to keep track of your symptoms and write everything down so that when you call them or go to an appointment, you can discuss those things, they can assess the problem, and finally, they can tell you what you should do.  Should I have some blood work done?  Do I need an updated MRI or some type of scan done to see what, if any, has changed?  I know my body more than the doctors know my body.  After all, they are not in my body 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I am.

I speak with the doctor with my list in front of me and I get railroaded.  "Oh, try this," he says.  But "this" doesn't work.  It's not effective.  "Try this with that and let's see what that does."  Really?  Okay...fine.  Meanwhile, I'm not even half way through my list of concerns, but I'm trying to get him to listen, but I'm not important enough of a patient to hear me.  I'm crying at this point.  I'm in constant debilitating pain and that's not enough for them to hear me.

Ya Allah, help ease my pain.  Bring me relief and a competent doctor who will hear me.  Ameen.

Leave Me Alone

It's Tuesday morning.  2:20am to be exact and I can't get back to sleep.  No matter how hard I try, going back to sleep is futile.  Fifteen minutes later a huge burst of pain erupts on the right side of my head and lasts for about 20 seconds.  This will be the first of many that will happen throughout the day.  This is how my day starts. The inner workings of my body working against me. Betraying me.  Robbing me of a day spent without pain and discomfort.  Robbing me of normalcy.  I can't give in to it.  I just can't.  If I do, it wins and I lose.  How can I stand up to this enemy that lurks in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to strike when I least expect it?  Always watching me.  Always studying me. Why won't it leave me alone?

Where Do I Go From Here?

When I think about where I am in life, I find myself roaming this world feeling extremely lost and disappointed.  Lost because I don't know where I'm going anymore.  I know where I've been, the hurdles I've had to leap over, and the pains I've had to endure.  I've had life changing things happen to me from losing people I love, my mom one year and my brother a year and one month later.  I lost the ability to walk a little over a year after having my son and now battling severe migraine headaches and neuralgia headaches at the same bloody time that invade my life like ruthless aliens from another planet.  I can't tell which way is up or down, left or right.  

Then I think about why I'm so disappointed in my life.  I've been at a job for over ten years that I get no satisfaction from, no gratification whatsoever.  No fulfillment.  I started a small online business making dolls that would, I believe, benefit little girls in my community with the hopes of doing this business full-time, because it would make me happy and finally take me away from that job.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know I should be grateful to have that job of ten plus years, but I literally cannot stand it.  All it does is make me feel trapped like a caged bird, unable to break through the bars of the cage to spread her wings.  I can't go anywhere, nor do anything.  I accomplish what others want me to accomplish to suite their business needs, but not what I want to suite my needs.  I wonder around this job feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.  Working for the "man" and not working for myself.  At the end of the day, I just need to know and feel like I have done something that has made me proud.  Proud of the work I've done.  Proud of what I have accomplished.  To lay my head down on my pillow at night with an exhausted, yet cheesy grin on my face because I had an awesome day.

So how on earth do I find my way after being lost?  How on earth do I go from being disappointed to being happy, proud, and accomplished?  I have no idea.  I pace back and forth in my mind trying to find the answers...trying to find a solution.  I spend time in prayer and contemplation with myself prostrating before God, but not the words to express my frustrations, my fears.  What do I do?  Where do I go from here?